I See You - PTSD III

Do you ever get caught up scrolling through memes or TikTok videos for hours online? I have been in and out of B.C. Children’s Hospital with my boys continuously since the end of June, including relocating here at the beginning of July. I have spent a lot of time sitting in the hospital trying to get through the time without getting into my head too much. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, BC Children’s Hospital is a wonderful place and has saved both of my children’s lives. But it is also a place that brings out my PTSD and gets hard to be in the longer I am here. So many traumatic memories. So many reminders as I look around.

Waiting in the waiting room seeing moms come back from bringing their child into the OR for their surgery crying because it was heartbreaking holding their child while they went limp, having to lay them on the operating table and quickly leave so their surgery could happen. Or sitting at the coffee shop seeing a mom hide her tears into a cup of coffee with her phone in her hand, watching the time, numbly staring into nothing while waiting for an important call. Or going on the elevator and having other moms come on and push the floor for the NICU or PICU. Their head is down and they have a look of defeat before they take a heavy breath and step off to go see their child. I’ve been that mom several times. It never gets easier. And I want to hug every mom I see this way because it is hard being here.

Do you ever think that sometimes your memes or TikToks you see were chosen just for you to see? As I sit in a depressed state flipping through pages trying to occupy my mind, one stood out to me as if it was chosen for me to see. It was something I needed to read today. It’s been an exhausting time with weeks spent in the hospital. It was a meme that talked about being seen and I wish I could give to every other medical mom and plaster it all over this hospital for other parents to see while they are feeling this way:

I see you running your child to medical meetings when your friends are running their kids to rugby or ballet.

I see you slipping out of the conversation when your friends are all chiming in about milestones and test grades.

I see you constantly juggling appointments and meetings.

I see you sitting at your computer for hours researching what your child needs.

I see you cringe when people whine about what feels like petty things.

I see you spread thin but still going the extra mile for your family.

I see you digging for depths of strength you never dreamed you had.

I see you showing appreciation to the teachers, therapists and medical professionals who serve your child with you.

I see you rising early in the morning to do it all again after another chaotic night.

I see you when you’re hanging on to the end of your rope for dear life.

I know you feel invisible, like nobody notices any of it. But I want you to know I notice you, we as a group notice and admire you.

I see you relentlessly pushing onward.

I see you keep choosing to do everything in your power to give your child the best possible care at home, in school, at therapy and the doctor.

What you’re doing matters. It’s worth it. On those days when you wonder if you can do it another minute, I want you to know I see you.

I want you to know you’re beautiful.

I want you to know it’s worth it.

I want you to know you aren’t alone.

I want you to know love is what matters most, and you have that nailed.

And on those days when you have breakthroughs, those times when the hard work pays off and success is yours to cherish, I see you then too, and I am proud of you.

Whichever day today is, you’re worthy, you’re good and I see you.